Working with Couples

Through the years I have found that the couples who do best in couples therapy have the following characteristics:

1. They come to understand the process that led up to the problems in the relationship and the part that each played in it.
2. They shift their respective positions during the counseling process and intentionally work on the marriage by entering into little day to day trusting behaviors to show each other that they are on the right track.
3. The couple move slowly and thoughtfully toward a new kind of trust and intimacy in the marital relationship.
4. Finally they come to understand their scripts from their families of origin.

Recognizing Relationship Triangles

Quite often there are outside issues or people that impact the twosome (couple relationship).  These issues form a triangle in which one person in the couple has the “inside” position in the triangle and the other has the “outside” position.

For instance, wife-children-husband triangle (i.e., wife or husband is overly close with children and one spouse feels distant and on the outside position of the triangle).

Husband-wife-work triangle (where one spouse uses work or career goals as the second position in the triangle and leaves his or her spouse on the “outside” of the triangle).

In-law triangles (one spouse is closer to their parent or parents than to the other spouse).  This forms a triangle, where the other spouse feels left out and alone, and is resentful of the loyalty and time spent with the other’s parents.

Social network triangles (where friends influence one spouse to plan and become involved in activities that do not involve the other spouse).  The other spouse eventually feels “outside” or in the “third position” of the triangle.  This triangle effect may involve friends through social activities, sports, or occupational activities.

Awareness of situations that might cause these triangles is important and self-focusing on how we react to these situations is very useful.   In other words, how can we both act to de-triangle this relationship?  How can we put in the intentional work work to  save our marriage?

Both parties can work at becoming a twosome and a team again, thereby stopping the triangle threesome affect.  It is like the old saying, “Two’s company, three’s a crowd.”

De-triangling a relationship first takes awareness that triangles are taking place and then it takes caring about the other party’s feelings and acting upon them.

I look forward to working with you on your journey!

Sincerely, Beverly Baskin, Ed.S, MA, LPC, CCMHCA

These constructs have been adapted from the book Working with Relationship Triangles, by Philip J. Guerin, Jr., 1996, Guilford Press, New York, NY.